What if I'll regret it?

[Kirumi]

This is my first post and I'm kinda embarrassed but here goes...

I've been dating this guy for a year and a half. I really, really love him and he made me feel loved everyday.

I'm very lucky to have him. So lucky that it's been bothering me for months. I mean, am I worthy to be with him? He's smart, funny and loyal. And me? I fucked up my studies, and everything I do ends up failing. I'm very awkward and anti-social. I'm a failure and a mess. We always fought because of that. And I couldn't count how many times I've disappointed him and my mom and made her cry.

So I started thinking that maybe if I keep being with him, I'll end up dragging him down with me. He really deserves someone better. Someone who is bound to become successful in the future. Someone who is prettier and smarter. And I know full well that it's not me.

That's why I broke up with him few days ago. Even though I did the right thing, it still kills me. And I started to wonder maybe I'll regret it. But I don't want to be selfish. I believe a lot of girls who's better than me will be all over for him.

I know we haven't broken up for long but I'm scared if I want him back, he's already with someone else.

What do you think? Am I being unreasonable? Unfair?

[Ciphersky64]

Well, not necessarily, it's not unreasonable or unfair to feel an emotion or openly think about things- although from his point of view he might not think that it's best for you to leave him since everyone does move on at one point, and coming back too soon with less communication could cause distrust on his part. I think that it'd be best to either keep your decision in absolute concrete or make a new one that you genuinely analyze and follow through all the way with it.

[LastVanguard]

There's never a right or wrong decision for this type of issue; it ultimately comes down to you making the best guess you can based on who you are as a person and both of your levels of commitment to the relationship as to if it can stand the test of time, or if you believe you're better off setting it aside because there are simply some degrees of "incompatibility" that can't be overcome.

It's hard to say because, on the one hand, you've identified that there are some issues in your relationship that are going to be long-term ongoing issues for you - and whether or not your relationship can ride them out really depends on how much you two are committed to each other to help that happen. On the other side of the equation, if I'm being perfectly honest, it sounds as if there's opportunity for you to grow as a person and "rise to the occasion" to become more of a person who can walk alongside your former boyfriend without fear or loathing (by either person); if, of course, you should choose to try.

It's pretty incredible to see relationships blossom in the world where one (or both) member(s) of the couple pretty much "rose from the ashes" to become someone more matchable for the other person in spite of all their shortcomings and failures. Love's a tough enough commodity to come by in today's world, anyway - when you find it in someone to that degree, it's best to cherish it to the greatest extent you can.

One thing's for sure - whatever decision you arrive at, commit to it. If you're dead-set on walking away, then that's a choice you need to stick with unless the circumstance notably changes. If you choose to walk away, don't look so much to the pain of the emotional and mental hole this is going to leave you with, but rather look to what knowledge you can walk away from the relationship with in order to grow as a person and find more of what you're looking for down the road...

...both in the next person you choose to share your life with, and in yourself.

Cheers,
LV

[1stKaiser]

Kirumi :)

The way you compare yourself to others & consider yourself lesser by general principle, it feels like you are or have been a prisoner of the idealizations of others. Feeling that you're unable to do that is what makes people emphasizes their failures too strongly. The way your language comes across on your post hints you've been at war with the anxiety within yourself (or with others) for a long time.

If what I said has any shred of accuracy to it, then I think it supercedes this ended relationship - and whether you by chance return to the one you love(d), fall for another, or remain alone - will not change the tide of the war you seem to be suffering. That tide is what seems to have caused the breakup. You said he could find someone who is bound to become successful & is prettier & smarter than you. I'll be daring enough to say that those words do not seem to have anything to do with him - but more that it has to do with internal struggle within yourself. Someone prettier & smarter. These are all aesthetics - and when relied on too much, become synthetic. A beautiful face is no match for a car accident that disfigures it. What then? Do we abandon that person's face for a better looking one? A smart person getting a condition that degrades their ability to think properly. What then?

Love is cherishing a person's life over their qualities. Lust is cherishing a person's qualities over their life. Love between two people at the very least, should far exceed these superficial limitations. They should never be the foundation that builds it. And they definitely should not be things that you promise a loved one as a condition for a breakup.

Wanting him back, however, is not unfair or unreasonable. But I think this is a good opportunity to not only understand, accept, & fight for yourself - but to confirm the other person's feelings as well. These kind of struggles make it easy to misunderstand someone, especially those close to you. Every person on this thread is not without failure. And those with success tend to have even greater failure stories to tell. There is plenty of room for you to join that family - and the opportunity will never elude you as long as you live.

Like LastVanguard stated, you growing capable of rising to the occasion of having the right to walk alongside someone you love is something you must achieve on your own power. That power is something I would seek first. The greatest method to obtain that is to fully accept yourself as someone that deserves happiness & the right to exist - no matter what.

[kibeth1]

I dont have any experience in dating or being in love but this caught my eye "So I started thinking that maybe if I keep being with him, I'll end up dragging him down with me."

Let's just say that you rly can't drag him down unless he voluntarily let's you, and if he does let you then there must be a reason why.

[XJapan]

I think you're being too hard on yourself to be honest.Maybe you should speak to him, and tell him how you truly feel about him/your relationship.It's obvious you feel care a great deal about him, and it wouldn't be fair on either of you to let things end like this.

[MechaNik]

Kirumi, I think you're being too harsh on yourself and trust me if a man loves a woman truly. Flaws are the last thing to see( we may even not see it lol) and you know what flaws EXIST to be ACCEPTED :) because at the end of the day no one is perfect. right? ^^'


----follow thy heart---

[AOIsama]

Well, the thing is, he loved you for who you are. Your appearance, your attitude, your strengths and your weaknesses.
Meaning, he accepts you no matter what you think of yourself.
The least you could have done is appreciate that he loves you no matter what
and improve yourself not only for his sake but for your sake as well.
If you feel suffocated, pressured on insecure, a "cool off" would have been more proper instead of breaking up with him.
You said you still love him and most probably he still loves you too so it's sad that you already broke up with him.
But since it already happened, you should just be ready to accept all the consequences of that
including the possibility of him being with someone else.
I just hope you clearly explained to him that reason of yours.
If he really loves you, he won't let himself be out of your life.
He'll continue to be friends with you and support you until you become more confident with yourself
and ready again to be with him.
But if you already find him with someone else then maybe you're just not meant for each other.
Just focus on improving yourself so you could be free of all your insecurities.
That way, it will be easier for you to love again.
Remember that you can only fully love someone, if you yourself feel complete.