View Full Version : Sections of the story i am writing. Critism is always welcome. (not in order)

11-07-2011, 09:29 PM
All from same novel, but none are complete. The title of the book is still to be debated by myself. Just give some feedback please. Anything should suffice. I have a few other short stories, so if u like these little entries and want to read a little more, let me know. :D Thanks again

Chapter ???? Book 2

-The Siren's Lair (NOT DONE)

The lake was surrounded by an abundance of trees and plants. Beautifully radiant streaks of wild flowers highlighted the area, almost making the lake itself glow with a rainbow aura. Many birds and animals used its refreshing waters to survive; living within the forestation that surrounded it. The lake was perfectly clear, exposing the life that lay beneath and reflecting all that lay above. The soil containing its waters was soft and cool with a light brown color; Terra would often enjoy submerging herself in its comfortable grains. The lake lay on a plateau a few miles into the mountains. It was unknown to the city that fell just below the mountain range, allowing the area to prosper with life and untainted air. The whole plateau was an untouched paradise for this retired warrior. For the years of her residency here she has had no desires, no needs, and no urges to leave. She had spent half a decade living a peaceful dream of lying in the sand, eating wild fruit, and sleeping on any of the countless trees; clueless that she would soon be thrown awake by the nightmare that was her childhood. Ignorant to the changes below the plateau and in the city, she would soon discover that the humans sought to destroy another of her dreams. Regardless of her ignorance, this was Terra’s home, and after her escape from the Facility that kept her freedom since birth, she planned on living an inconspicuous eternity in this forest; forever its guardian.
During the beginning of her sixth year in the forest, she began to notice an increase of people coming through and settling too close, in her opinion, to the lake. Using the training she mastered years before, she created a moat of quicksand around her home, long enough in width so no man could get across it. To her dismay, she soon discovered many corpses of innocent creatures and hastily transformed the land back. She was unsure of what to do. She could not make any drastic changes to the environment, that she felt would not draw attention to the area, and at the same time not hurt the forest and its creatures that had taken her in. As the only one ever to have escaped a Facility, she felt ashamed that her abilities could not help her now. During her time in the War Games she focused mainly on the aggressive side of her powers, but now she knew it was time to focus on the defensive. She had found her new plan. She would make the lake and herself invisible literally.

She began to spend her days training herself in different areas of her capabilities, concentrating on the manipulation of the senses. For the good of the forest, she was forced to use many of the people who came through the forest as guinea pigs for her training. Many times she would….

Chapter 1 Book 2

-No Birds Where Hawks Play (NOT DONE)

The patterns of the clouds painted a beautiful design upon the earth. Slender curves of light and dazzling shades of shadows danced together in a wondrous routine. Tenin followed the performance with his closed eyes. It allowed for only the presence of light to be seen and provided a more spectacular show. For him, contrast was the most beautiful portrait that could ever be created. Observing the shades of white being engrossed by the dark smoke of nothingness sent a rush of energy through his body; a feeling nothing else could give him.
His presence itself was a representation of the contrast he valued. His cream white complexion was suited with his dark black hair. The white of his eyes were bright and his pupils black as the night sky. His small body lay atop the hill that rose above all others in the grassy field. He wore the tight fitting uniform all the residents were assigned too; a short sleeved shirt made of polyester material, tucked into shorts of a thicker quality of cloth. The design of his clothing was specified to his level in the Facility and the color to the squad he was issued. Being just admitted into the War Games, he wore the design and color of a preliminary player. Like him, many of the others who wore it were children born in the Facility, just reaching the age of eight; in which they are forced into the barbaric competition. However Tenin refused to fight; always wandering off midst a match to lay on top his hill.
On this particular day it seemed to be abnormally gusty, as if the sky was trying to lift and carry him away. The wind was tickling his arms and legs, sending a fuzzy feeling over his nerves. He let out a childish giggle, one rarely made by this poor child of seemingly little emotion. A quaint smile stood on his face as he was rocked by the wind while enjoying the little entertainment he was given from the clouds. Just then he felt a presence approaching the hill. His smile faded and his eyelids slowly rose as his bliss was interrupted. He did not recognize the scent of the individual, which made him curious to the identity of the trespasser. Tenin could feel that the individual’s thoughts were not aggressive nor could he sense the nervousness usually displayed by young preliminaries before they attacked. Instead, Tenin felt a strange happiness illuminating from his mind, along with the awareness of Tenin’s existence. Tenin calmly laid up and sat crossed legged in the direction of the person’s ascent, and waited. He could see it was in fact another preliminary, slowly making his way to the hill’s summit. He could suddenly feel a strong tension in the air; his anxiety did not waver. Little by little the individual rose higher until he suddenly stopped short of a few yards away from the patient boy staring down on him.
“It finally begins.” He said with a pleasant smile, looking up at Tenin. “It will take a long time, and at the end you will have pain, but together we will find our meaning for living.”

Chapter ?????
Voice of the Crying Wall (NOT DONE)

"As long as you are here, so will I." He whispered in her ear. His arms were tightly wrapped around her strong body; the body he had stood next to for over fifteen years. "I will not leave you. I will not betray you. I will never hurt you. You are mine and I am yours. As long as you exist, so will my love for you." He gripped her tighter, hoping she would return his love. Their bond was built by the unbelievable trust and love for each other; gathered from their mutual childhood and strengthened by the difficult lives they lived since. Here was a man, stronger and more willed than any of his kind, and here was a woman, equal and superior to him in every way. Both described as emotionless and cold, but now he held her in a grip that would never end. The woman started to tremble, slowly at first and increasingly until she finally could not hold in her emotion any longer and let out a long cry. He pulled away just enough to see her face. Her eyes burned with tears as she tried to let out words, but none could be made. She buried her face into his chest and continued to cry, letting out everything she had stored in her heart all at once. She squeezed his arms, scratching him with her nails, but he felt no pain. He himself was incredibly numb by the confession he made to his partner. Holding her so tight, he felt her heartbeat against his. In between each beat he saw the memories of them fighting together, talking together, laughing together; every memory of their friendship appearing in his mind. Her squeeze on his arms started to loosen until finally she wrapped her arms around him as well, and started to hum her sad, lonely, sweet song; the one he never forgot.