Paperroses

I'm gonna open it and read it through a couple times later today. I guess because I don't have the first draft to compare it with, off the top of your head, what didja change? :)

._. Lol. Instead of comparing what was specifically changed, compare the feeling you get nao with the feeling you had before =) . I could tell you but... xD That would spoil a couple of surprises, wouldn't it?

Edit: Y'know, unless it sucks, then they'd be unpleasant surprises and you'd probably *want* to be told about them.

I've read it! I've mulled over responding longer than I said I would. Apologies. And there's nothing unpleasant or anything like that, it was just curiosity that made me ask about differences. I still feel a little curious, because having read it, and trying to remember what I read 'x' number of weeks/months ago... so much of it felt vaguely familiar to me that the changes are nearly undetectable. If there have been sentences omitted, or switched around, (because I don't think anything was added) I was just a little curious about where it might be.

What does this mean? Well, we can say you maintained your voice. It was consistent. The story you want to tell is the one you have carried to this point. And that made me appreciate it more. I felt its weight more. I felt less critical of your girl, and I tried with less separation to pick the brains of both your main characters. Even though they didn't change from then to now?... If this makes sense, I grew attached to them even though the dull questions remain about the motivation for their actions.

And of course, just like the first draft, my favorite part of the story is the opening. Every where you speak of scenery or light is drippingly gorgeous, and that first part really pumps me up. I can see everything. I guess this is my dilemma as one member of your audience: I don't know why things happen the way they happen, as far as the people are concerned, but I love the way it is revealed to me.

Like I said before, there's a lot to enjoy seeing all that celestial prettiness side by side with things that are mundane and unglorious, but somehow stunning in their own rights.

I want to be a helpful point of feedback, if that's what you're looking for, so I'll illuminate anything you want me to about what I'm saying.

Thanks, for sharing. :)

Cooool. Well, I should ask at least one question...

What *are* these dull questions that you have? Just wondering about why what happens does?
Seems a lot of people think that ._. But idno. I can't have my self just write a back story. Can't just write a continuation. Neither works. Maybe I should write a sequel. Well. Sequel-ish. Something that you don't need to read the story to understand. But doesn't change the things that've been said already. That would be nice.

hm, well. I feel like I want to be shown or told some things, logic gaps. Here is the biggest one for me.

Why does this girl begin crying? IT JUST DOES NOT COMPUTE FOR ME. What brought about this state? Is there a phobia or repressed memory that makes her act irrationally? This doesn't require backstory, just the knowledge that when you tell a story, you're looking at a chunk of time. Life went on before it and it will go on after it. So even though your story just begun, she didn't appear out of thin air.

Where was she right before approaching the protagonist? Why does she approach the protagonist to walk with her? Why not some friend playing cards, the ones she marches up to announces at later? We can assume, because he is special to her, she wanted to ask him for help. To get him alone and talk, even in such an indelicate situation as sitting outside the bathroom door.

Or we can assume, because she was turned down by the friends playing cards to escort her. We can assume they teased her and told her to go ask the unsocial kid. But I don't want to speculate something like this, I want to KNOW what actually motivated her and got the ball rolling. Sure, the story is mostly narrated from the boy's point of view, but I feel intensely like adding more to this girl will help you. Just say something. She is played so wimpy yet so bold and I want to know which is her natural tendency, and which one she has to push herself to be.

Just tears. Why. Just tell me why she does what she does. Because, after all, the story may be told from the boy's point of view but he's taking a backseat to all the action. She is the anchor of everything and the boy is just along for the ride. And right now, you're letting someone pilot this thing who I don't believe knows how to drive. Everything that happens is initiated by her so just tell me whyyy.

x) You're confused. Good. She's confusing. Even that guy is confused. We're all confused =) .

Never shove the blame on to your audience. If you do not desire to clear up 'confusion', I suppose that's okay, but then my next question is-- why do you refuse to answer motivation? Humans may not be privy to the 'whys' surrounding other people, but characters are different.

Additionally, what is the author's purpose? What is the purpose of this story if we can't grow with them, not knowing where they're coming from?

xD Blaming people is bad. What I'm trying to say is, nothing's wrong. Another thing that I'm trying to say is that I don't know the answers to these questions either =) And I'm not interested enough in the characters to make these answers up.

Never blame the author for making you want to understand a world they've created. That just means they've done a good job of making it interesting. Now... If I truly haven't answered some important questions, that would be wrong but... If it was truly lacking in something integral to the story's development, you shouldn't have said you enjoyed it as much =) Hopefully, all the bright shining lights didn't distract you from the fact that it all still had to make sense. If it really didn't then I was wrong.

I guess, what I'm really, really trying to say is... [in the story] I didn't try to answer the questions that you have and I'm kind of offended that you thought I was trying to get out of it with an excuse xD

I didn't plan this story and I didn't expect people to actually even like these characters. I didn't even give them names. But if you really wanted to know about them, just ask nicely =) I can't guarantee that I'm interested enough though. I mean, I didn't even give them names. They feel as shallow to me as they might for you.

Or maybe I'm just in a bad mood o_o
Edit: You know what? We're going to need to have a serious conversation about this again. I think you're right and I think I should do something about these problems that you've brought up. It's good that you said so.

Lately, this thing has been happening where I'm actually in a bad mood but my body acts like nothing's wrong so I can't tell if I'm thinking straight until after I've said something I know I disagree with ._. When are you free? You should PM me with the problems you think are there.

:) I felt a little offended too, being brushed off when I thought I was helping. But yes, I know that's not what you meant and I'm sorry if I ever come across with a bite. I won't hold it against you if you come across with bite, either. It's not easy having your work examined closely. I wanted very much to let you the things I like, so that you understand I'm not persecuting you when I say things that aren't just compliments.

Nothing I can say can take away any worth exhibited here, about your story or about your skill. It's because I've heard you refer to projects like these as your children that it suprises me to hear you say you don't care enough. But possibly being in a bad mood distorts that, so never mind about it.

I'll happily PM you, and for the next couple of weeks in fact I'm pretty available. Thing is, I don't know what to list. You can tell it's easier for me to elaborate on one point than bullet point multiple things. I'll try and prepare something in a little while, perhaps tomorrow.

xD No need to be so formal with it. Just ramble if that's what it takes. Something feels wrong with this and I want to fix it as soon as possible.

I'd like to read your story, Paper, but I know me and I always have comments. I've learned from those who're better than me that a work's revision isn't done until seconds before it's published. Then, later, a typo or two will be found in that completed and disseminated work.

Personally, I'm suspicious when no one has anything to critique about my work. It's tough getting criticism about something I've agonized over, but it's really the name of the game.

Should I just keep my mouth shut? I feel like I'm an elephant trying to walk gently on egg shells.

Either way, I'll read your work (looking forward to it). I just don't know if you want real feedback (especially from an elusive and stranger-like person like me).

=) People who try not to offend people are so cool. But don't worry. When you walk around me, you walk on solid ground. Stick to what you believe, say what you think you need to.