Thinking about it, these past few days I’m always on this spot, laid back and lying low for quite sometime for hours. I always found myself raising my hand as if reaching the night sky, rather the heavenly stars that shines so bright as if saying that I am here on the galaxy.
As the stars twinkling its light a sudden phrase pop-out out of my mind
“I wonder if I can change my life.”
After saying the last word, my memories suddenly burst like a stream of 1’s and 0’s from the computer display that commonly seen at sci-fi movie scene.
Do I really want change? As if contradicting my brains functionality to automatically think something and argue on it.
“This life that forcefully given to me, created by my parents who thought of how joyous is it to have a child.”
It’s seems I unconsciously think about my parents that, if is it ok to create a life for them to be happy. Thinking back from my past memories, its neither really quite happy nor sad being with them, it’s like that it was normal, normal being quite happy for the small things I received and gave to them.
“Haven’t they thought of how someone’s life going to be different than the life they had?”
“Sure it is going to be smoothly if you came from a good family or born with silver spoon at birth.”
I do really believe in hierarchy and power of money, proving it to myself using this thought how badly bad I am.
Seem like my train of thoughts have been over taken by my brain, I give-up and stop struggling to change the topic at hand. This is not so bad once in a while.
As I wonder how comfortable I am doing this, coming here and running my imagination wild like it was like a forest of wild animal everyday for a few days.
Something caught me, rather my brain thought something.
“This is my world! This is my lie~”
The sudden sullenness of skies brings me back to reality, the hard grass poking me behind my back and the tickling sensation on my nape that’s being in between me and the dirt soil protecting from getting stain on clothes, the chilly cold of springs that’s suppose to be medium hot when day time and sounds that being generated by those leaves as they sway by the wind, the chirping birds and the rash and strong flow of water from the nearby river can create a melody for someone to be at good mood and ease the mind.
As I look around, the people who are resting and enjoying the scenery of this local lake in our city have all the same expression.
All of them are happy being with their friends, family and while the other are newly and old couples.
Remembering my line of thought last night, I still wonder why I thought that.
“Do I really want change or do I want to die?”
Getting stab was so painful so dying would be out for the option in the meantime, well changing would be hard, and confirming you’ve change really was hard to prove when you only have yourself to help and verify.
“I should stop thinking this, its makes me frustrate.”
Continuing to walk this street, I greeted some of our relatives and personal friends of mine.
Seeing one of my schoolmates would be normal, but this guy never goes to school, calling it out-of-school youth would be rude, delinquent would be better, this happy go lucky rich bastard always hanging-out everywhere, sometimes in different town and once in a while to the capital of the country, imagining the effort, stamina and money used just to get there I really salute this guy, well from my point-of-view it’s a waste of effort and time since being lazy was a good trait of me, having to compliment myself was not really nice and its just self-confidence or satisfaction.
I was once able to come and hitch-a-ride with that person, technically I was force to go and accompanied for the said person to have fun, having such life as mine was not really bad, having to enjoy and experience what others do in their life once in a while was truly enjoyable, well after all its really on the other of my life, thinking about having to create a character where you have to manually adjust the parameters using the hexagonal stats, pulling the other end-points of the shape adjust the parameters you want to have but on the other hand the other side just being drag and the stats parameter being have less and less points for it while the other have gain.
And here, I never believe in such equivalent exchange thingy.
That time when I able to go with that person, something trying to change me on my way of life and thinking once I got home. Being able to socialize to strangers without minding the impoliteness of words being spoken is truly new, my inexperience really came out by the whole time I was there. I can’t even talk to some other people while being able to communicate on the other one. I can’t look straight in the eye, since I haven’t really looked at someone’s eye even with my parents and relatives.
Haven’t felt this feeling as far as long as I remember; is this the feeling being with multiple people with different attitude, status, and faces in life around you? This is exhilarating, at first since this is new, the heavy atmosphere is there lurking every nook and cranny corner of the place, little by little you’ll get use to it and starting to blend with them, truly, the ocean’s tide will sweep you back and forth making you feel the danger while enjoying it slowly, it will consume you like a venom slowly crawling through all your veins flowing with blood and choke the vessel blocking the path, comparing it to ocean wave and poison truly not magnificent but making you feel your time flow limitless while socializing with limit after you realize that the story will come to end soon, you are expecting for the end soon but you saw how enjoyable is it that making you lost your body time clock that you hold dear for a long time, a fairy tale story like Cinderella’s midnight.
The party ended, rather started, you are still in the opening act of your book, writing it as how it goes, dictated by the society, only few conquer and achieve the free-writing-tell book. In this new world, the day pass as if everything happen, unable to ride the flow perfectly, you’ll lose the battle of society.
Living and partaking in the daily boring activities you’d hated since the day you realize life is not all fun and glamour. That mind of yours that thinking of how ones end is better if they die early from being born without being ask by your parents and the thought of last night fun with your friend who is truly not friend clashing with each other.
Giving you headache and anxiety on which one you want to choose and follow, the thought came that it is easier to make a choice which religion to follow, or which government party to get with pro and anti. Life decision do really deal a hard time for everyone, it was not like eeny, meeny, miny, moe nor it was not debatable which holds priority and sequence to do, it was getting something and discarding the other one as if it was of no value.
Your thought last time as on how your parents did the decision to make a baby and born you, it is getting connected one by one, lying on the bed or floor don’t help at all, trying to go out and walk till you get to your hiding place surrounded by natural law and forestry seems impossible for now judging from the time and weather.
The only one you can do was bear and endures in the mean time at your room, leaving no noise as if you are sleeping, without disturbing everyone around. Longing for a deep slumber and loneliness, but your gutlessness to go out at this time of night and weather conditions unable to achieve at the moment.
Daybreak still won’t come till a quarter dozen of hour pass, the drowsy feeling you having at the moment overcome you and lead to deep sleep.
Sunday morning, since the cathedral church are near your place, bell chime rang and reverberate in the vicinity, the humid climate do affect everyone’s life and force to work, slowly crawling out your bed, you saw trace of water droplet from the very face of yours, thinking that you cried while fast asleep, you can’t even remember about dreaming something as if the very mind that dwells atop your body resting in one place got deleted. As if somewhat someone could see and has administrative power to control your brain database.
The myriad thought flowing simultaneously on your mind, you discarded everything and focus on what has to come today according to your scheduled plan. Although school is out of question since it is Sunday, but it can’t helped if a higher power on society ask you for a favor, thinking about this line, people really go and slave everyone else they can use as if owning a toy, arguing back is a hassle and bring disadvantage not to only one person but to a whole family.