Reviews and Comments for "Sweet Revenge"
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  1. #1
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    Default Reviews and Comments for "Sweet Revenge"

    Post your reviews and comments for "Sweet Revenge" by jillaimay here.

    Story Link: http://otaku-streamers.com/community...-Sweet-Revenge

  2. #2
    ~ â™  Neko Prince â™  ~ azura959's Avatar
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    ohhhh! this look interesting oneechan
    I can't give much comment for now since it's only the prologue but the choice of words was good : I can't wait for chapter one , I have a feeling its going to be bloody
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    thanks. but don't worry. she's not gonna kill anyone though.
    ahahaha...
    i'll be typing chapter one soon :)
    Procrastinator by day. Insomiac by night ♥


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    Hi Jill, first and foremost, my apologies for taking too long with regard to the feedback. Secondly, this feedback may appear overwhelming but please do keep in mind that I took the time and effort to make this so as not to embarrass you or make you feel bad but rather, I accomplished this with your improvement only in my mind.

    I hope this helps and keep it up!



    observations or areas of opportunities:

    look vs looked

    could improve on the narrative and add more flavor by inserting more adjectives to make some scenes more dramatic and colorful

    text message would be better/text vs text message
    had vs have/have a faithful boyfriend

    the word honest can be ommited - the word faithful is enough since it also implies the idea of being honest, I don't think there is a faithful lover who is dishonest at the same time
    remove the second "had" on the fourth paragraph. Probably better if "Alyssa already had two boyfriends before..."

    "last boyfriend" could be replaced with "the most recent one" since "last boyfriend may be confusing to some readers since the word "last" may literally mean the latest boyfriend. Furthermore, if you want to refer to the second person, it's more appropriate if you use the words "the next boyfriend, the guy after that, the most recent one, the one before her current boyfriend etc."

    You can also omit this part - "All of them HAVE other girlfriends" - since the term Infidelity already clearly states this fact.

    Furthermore - it should be HAVE and not HAD because up until the present time, these guys, the protagonist's ex-boyfriends are STILL in a relationship with the girls, assuming that these guys didn't break up with those girls in the story's timeline. So we're still in the progressive tense of the action done.

    Alyssa has finished her shower and took time choosing clothes
    This part could have been better if there was a smooth transition from the time the protagonist got up from bed and decided to take a shower to the time she finished.

    Should be = Alyssa HAD JUST FINISHED TAKING a shower.

    The action done should be expressed in the past progressive tense form. Furthermore, it is more appropriate to say "took a bath", "took a shower", "will take a shower", "will take a bath", "just took a bath" etc. We don't normally say "I finished shower", "she finished shower", "I finished my shower", "She finished her shower". Get my drift?

    Took time choosing clothes
    The shower part and the time the protagonist chose her clothes can better be phrased in this way

    "After she took a shower, she took her time choosing the clothes she will wear for today's date".

    as opposed to the former. If we are to use your original idea. The sentence "Alyssa had just finished taking a shower" is usually followed by the adjective "when" in the context or idea that something suddenly happened or happened after she took a bath.

    She was the conservative type and due to her social status. She can't afford nice clothes especially that her brother keeps losing jobs.
    Should have a coma after "due to her social status" instead of ending it with a period and starting with another sentence. You want the readers to know the reason why she can't afford nice clothes in one sentence.

    Question: Why can't she afford good clothes?
    Answer: Because of her social status.

    The sentence would sound better if you phrased it in this manner:

    "She was the conservative type and due to her social status, she can't afford to buy herself better clothing/nice clothes (is fine I guess)."

    or

    "She was the conservative type and due to her social status, she IS UNABLE TO buy herself better clothing.

    the phrase "Is unable to" I think would better emphasize the fact that she does NOT HAVE THE CAPABILITY to buy expensive clothing. Nothing at all.


    Also, it would be better if you used the word "Not to mention" as opposed to "especially" since you are introducing a new idea or factor why Alyssa is unable to afford expensive clothing or nice clothing IN ADDITION to her social status to begin with. Using the word "especially" in your sentence would entail that you are emphasizing the fact that the biggest contributing factor to why she is unable to afford better clothing is her brother not being able to keep any job at all. Therefore, Alyssa is unable to afford clothing because her brother is unable to keep any job.

    After several minutes. She was all set.
    This should also be just one sentence because it is only one main idea which is the fact that the character is done dressing up after a few minutes. In addition, ending the first sentence with a period does not entail anything. It does not answer anything. "After a few minutes..." then what? So, instead of a period, it should be a coma and the word "She" should not be capitalized.

    Should be = After several minutes, she was all set.

    She was wearing red dress her friend gave her for her birthday and a white cardigan her brother gave her for Christmas last year
    Should be = wearing A red dress.

    the word "wearing" should answer the question "what" therefore

    The question: what is she wearing?

    should be answered with: A red dress.

    because simply saying "wearing red dress" would literally mean "a dress that is wearing". And NOT what is being worn by the person. There should be an "a" article before the red dress to make the sentence complete.

    The second idea in the sentence can also be better phrased as =

    ....white cardigan her brother gave her LAST Christmas

    the word LAST pertaining to the most recent Christmas that the characters celebrated.

    And her favorite doll shoes for like 3 years now.
    Rather than a period, the last sentence should be connected with the word "and" since the sentence was generally describing what the character was wearing.

    e.g.

    "She was wearing a red dress, a cardigan and her favorite pair of doll shoes"

    Remember this rule: If you are compounding sentences or two ideas, use a coma. However, if you are compounding three ideas, use a coma before the second idea and then the word "and" for the last idea. The reason why this should be made into one long sentence is because we are trying to keep it from sounding too simple and monotonous.

    Plus, we use "a pair of shoes"

    therefore "her favorite pair of doll shoes"

    she said as her puts a big bento in her bag.
    Should be = As SHE put HER big bento/bento in her bag

    You should use the possessive noun "her" to emphasize the fact that she owns the lunch box. Just using the article "a" before the lunchbox or bento may imply to the readers that she does not own the lunch box.

    Alyssa's eyes widened as she saw Albert in his underwear. "The least you could do was put some clothes on niichan!!!" she shouted at him and stepped out.
    Should be = Alyssa's eyes widened WHEN she saw Albert....

    This sentence asks why Alyssa's eyes widened and at what particular moment her eyes widened which was WHEN she saw Albert only in his undies. Rather,this is a more appropriate approach to the idea in this sentence.

    The least you could do was put some clothes on niichan!!!" she shouted at him and stepped out.
    You could have used a better word to transition from the part that Alyssa shouted at her brother until she stepped out.

    e.g. Alyssa shouted at him BEFORE stepping out

    Albert looked so stupid being left at home. "All I wanted to say was take care. I'm such a stupid brother."
    Did you mean: "Albert looked so stupid being left at home" in the context that he appeared ridiculous

    or

    the context that being left alone in the house made him feel stupid?

    She looks at her watch. 9:32.
    looks vs looked = past tense

    in the vernacular = tinignan niya ung relo niya kasi kapag "looks" ang ginamit mo, it's like "tinitignan niya" in the vernacular. Follow?

    Therefore, it is more appropriated to use "looked' because you only get to know what time is it AFTER you look at your watch. This means that the action is already done in the past which resulted in you, knowing what time it was

    "The number you dialed is currently not unavailable.."
    Should only be = "the number you dialed is currently UNAVAILABLE"

    omit the NOT because by adding the NOT before the word UNAVAILABLE would mean

    IT IS AVAILABLE

    which I am sure is not what you were trying to say in your story


    What happened to you Bernard? She texted him and now she's so worried. "What if something bad has happened to him?" she said to herself. Suddenly everything went black.
    It would be better if you are able to convey the idea why it suddenly turned black. She should have at least felt something SOLID hit her head. Also state from what part of her head. Did she took a hit from behind? In front of her? If it was in front of her then she should've at least saw the ball coming and then you have to narrate this part too. If it was from behind, she should at least have felt a hit from behind and then convey the idea of how she felt after getting hit until she eventually lost consciousness though honestly, it may not be that realistic unless she was hit with a baseball bat or something really hard around her nape area in which case she will likely become unconscious.

    Moving forward....


    "Miss? Are you alright?" the voice kept saying. Alyssa opened her eyes. She saw a handsome face. OMG! What is this?
    The part in bold would have been better if you had clearly stated to the readers if she said those words to the one who found her or if she was thinking aloud and she didn't noticed it or if those words were only her thoughts. Remember, this is not an anime or a visual novel. This means that you have to make sure that you clearly explain everything that is happening and how they came to be. Look at this part.

    "OH!" she exclaimed.
    This is what I mean. the "SHE" at least makes it clear that the word "OH" obviously came from her and not the guy.

    Another thing, you did not include in your previous sentences that she was wearing any glasses at all. The only time that you mentioned that she was wearing glasses was at this part:

    I'm going to pay you for your glasses," he said. She looked at her broken glasses and saw her watch.
    This made me "oh, she was wearing a pair of glasses?"

    "I-I h-have to go. B-bye," she dashed off.
    Adding some tone in this phrase could make it more dramatic.

    "Such a mysterious girl," he said. He looked down. "Oh! She left something.
    Why did the guy look down? Did something trigger that behavior? The sentence could have been made better and more natural or realistic if you used "noticed something" rather than "looked down".

    "Oh! She left something."
    This is good. No need to explain what the protagonist left. This leaves an air of mystery on what he girl left.

    She held her breath as she stopped at a corner. "Thanks for this day. I really loved it," she heard a female voice. "Nah... She wasn't worth the time," a familiar male voice said. She peeked out. And saw... Bernard being lovey dovey with another girl. Her eyes widened. The couple saw her. "I hate you!" Alyssa said as she ran with tears in her eyes.

    "I swear I'll kill all those jerks..."
    You could make this line better by describing more of the scene like as to how the place looked, and what corner is being referred to. There are a lot of corners.

    She peeked out
    And you can omit the word "out". Just "peeked' would be fine on its own.


    ONE LAST NOTE:

    The idea that Alyssa's boyfriend met with another girl at THE SAME DAY HE AND ALYSSA HAD A SCHEDULED DATE is unrealistic/not logical. No womanizer in his right mind would do such a thing. It serves no purpose unless the guy really intends to make Alyssa miserable. In which case, he should have a very good reason to do so. Meaning, it should be something that will greatly benefit him. Otherwise, it won't be natural or logical for the guy to do.

    Besides, if the boyfriend of Alyssa initially intended to meet up with someone else at that same day, he could have just given an excuse that he is not available that day. That is a more plausible scenario.



    Well, that's just it. Hope this helps you in your future works!
    Last edited by satsuirakuen; 12-05-2012 at 03:11 PM.

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    jillaimay (12-05-2012)

  6. #5
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    such a long comment.
    This leaves an air of mystery on what he girl left.
    kindda confuse with this.

    and i wasn't able to edit the unavailable part. but i did now. i will edit the rest later.

    I will do make it better in the next chapters :)
    Last edited by jillaimay; 12-05-2012 at 07:19 PM.
    Procrastinator by day. Insomiac by night ♥


  7. #6
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    Such a mysterious girl," he said. He looked down. "Oh! She left something.

    It's a good cliff-hanger. That's what I meant. The part in bold is a good way to let people wonder what could the girl have left when she rushed.

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    it's amazing for a prologue. i also noticed the grammatical errors tho. but all-in-all it was AWESOME ^_^
    You Only Got One Life(unless you're a cat or mario), Live like there's no tomorrow

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    jillaimay (12-11-2012)

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    Quote Originally Posted by satsuirakuen View Post
    It's a good cliff-hanger. That's what I meant. The part in bold is a good way to let people wonder what could the girl have left when she rushed.
    I did all the corrections and may publish chapter 1 this week or the next. Ahaha...

    Quote Originally Posted by jhey14 View Post
    it's amazing for a prologue. i also noticed the grammatical errors tho. but all-in-all it was AWESOME ^_^
    I just edited it actually. Ahaha... Thanks :3 hope you read the next chapter :3
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  11. #9
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    Just finished reading the prologue! I'm curious about what Alyssa would do to her jerky soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. Actually, I'm curious about how this story would go. I hope Alyssa would get back at Bernard and the other two exes. Haha, joke! I just hate guys like them. :P

    Raven-nii already commented on what I've noticed, so there's not much left to say. Just keep up the good work, Jill-nee!

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  13. #10
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    I cannot wait to read what is next. Is this your first attempt at writing for the public?

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    Quote Originally Posted by iceandsnow View Post
    Just finished reading the prologue! I'm curious about what Alyssa would do to her jerky soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. Actually, I'm curious about how this story would go. I hope Alyssa would get back at Bernard and the other two exes. Haha, joke! I just hate guys like them. :P

    Raven-nii already commented on what I've noticed, so there's not much left to say. Just keep up the good work, Jill-nee!
    Ahaha... I already edited what raven niichan commented actually. ahaha... Thanks...
    chapter 1 is up


    Quote Originally Posted by Nihilisticlee View Post
    I cannot wait to read what is next. Is this your first attempt at writing for the public?
    In this site, yes. I've written some in a publication in our school.
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  15. #12
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    I'm excited to read what's gonna happen next :D nyaaaaan :3

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    NYAN! =3 I agree with Candychan!

    Awesome narration as always :D

    *sits on oneechan's head while waiting for next chapter*
    Last edited by azura959; 12-13-2012 at 12:38 AM.
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    Quote Originally Posted by MishyCandy View Post
    I'm excited to read what's gonna happen next :D nyaaaaan :3
    thanks mishy-chan. I will start drawing so i can post it ASAP

    Quote Originally Posted by azura959 View Post
    NYAN! =3 I agree with Candychan!

    Awesome narration as always :D

    *sits on oneechan's head while waiting for next chapter*
    Thanks otouto :3 lol cat sits on my head. i will make it faster then
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  18. #15
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    my only comment is that the chapters should be a little bit longer
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    it's awesome onee-chan ._.
    You Only Got One Life(unless you're a cat or mario), Live like there's no tomorrow

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    Quote Originally Posted by azura959 View Post
    my only comment is that the chapters should be a little bit longer
    sure :D i love to write long stories

    Quote Originally Posted by jhey14 View Post
    it's awesome onee-chan ._.
    thanks jhey-kun :D im glad you like it.
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  21. #18
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    i enjoyed the story the way it is Jill, just need to work on spelling but otherwise great.

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