byon 06-04-2012 at 10:12 AM (363 Views)
I'm on the edge of crying right now.
I know this could show weakness.. but we all have our limits.. I have no one aside him to tell about this, and I feel that I'm getting too much of this now.. so I've decided to blog..
I'm the eldest of 4 children in my family.
I'm an otaku.
And we all know what most otakus prefer- stay inside the house, watch animes or play games, anything that has these stuffs.
I'm in a country where otakus are considered as nerds, as outcasts of society (well not all.)
And.. I'm different.
I really don't like going outside. Its much comfortable to stay inside, to stay in front of the internet, to just.. be away from those people. I don't care much about my looks, I know its important for everyone, but I don't care as long as I'm comfortable. I do care about my grades, Its not like I'm trying to impress people, I just don't like the feeling of having red marks on my papers, especially with the group of people that I have been assigned with. I want my own stuffs. I have my own world.
But all this things.. makes my life much harder.
Because of envy.
My sisters have always seen me as a competition. Someone who tries to show off to her parents. Someone who does emotional banking, and someday get something bigger. A goody two shoes. But is a devil in disguise.
I bet some haters would actually agree. But you're wrong. You are turning your envy to someone who isn't even trying to be the best among the rest. I'm just being me. I'm just being how I've been comfortable from the start. I don't buy clothes like she does, simply because I think I'm fine with my current ones and because its out of the budget. I'm not even trying to act all good to my mother. If I was, I wouldn't have yelled at her for things that I know she did wrong. I would've been washing dishes 24/7, I would've eaten the veggies that she cooked, all the things that my father told me to do would have been accomplished.
But that's negative.
I know how my family is. My father is the only one working so we have to use money wisely. My sister doesn't know this- or maybe she does- but she still asks for so much money to use for her own bidding. I only had 100 pesos per week when I was in high school. She has 60 pesos everyday. You only spend 16 pesos for transportation fee. She has lunch and even food for recess.. She uses the rest for some bs that will not bring benefit to my family. I am able to save much money from that 20 pesos per day budget. She doesn't save anything.
I am an outcast in every year, in every school level. I barely have friends. I barely have anyone to talk to. I have to work on my own to just continue being on the run. I am on my own. I'm not worth the envy.
I don't think I deserve this. Getting bullied by your sisters for just being you, for just being the best you can be, for simply trying to be normal.
She sees the negative side. She doesn't see that I'm not even trying to keep a good name in this family. I don't like arguments, that's why I'm just keeping things in. I'm getting angrier as time goes on.. Its like.. I want to throw her off the cliff for being such a stupid girl, for only thinking things for herself. It hurts me that she trusts her friends even more than she should to me. Ignoring her doesn't work. Trying to argue with her doesn't work. She's too dumb to absorb everything that me or my parents say. She only listens to her dumb friends too.
Forgive me, but I hope she learns through something bad.
I'm not worth it. If by any chance you do read this.. remember.. you lost my respect.
I hate you, hope you rot in hell. You make my life difficult. Your mouth is too loud and too ugly. I really really really hate you. You may look older than me, but you definitly too immature to even be in the same line as me. I really.. really.. want to chop you to pieces.. God help me keep my sanity..