Slipping down that all too familiar slope
by, 05-30-2012 at 12:19 AM (410 Views)
It's happening again, that thing that happens when someone stands out from the crowd and I take notice and a crush begins to develop and deepen a miniscule amount more with every syllable they say. And when they have a lot to say, a miniscule amount per syllable really adds up quickly.
It's becoming increasingly apparent that all I want to do is come home and talk to her on Skype. Her stories are exciting, the way she uses words, incredible. I can relate to her in so many ways, but is all of that the cause? I don't know. I've met plenty who talk in an amazing way, have fun stories, and I relate to. Why here? Why now?
I don't know why. But I like her.
All my experience has tinged this feeling with fear, though. Fear that this feeling will continue to grow beyond a harmless crush, as it has already begun. Fear that I will one day speak how I feel about her. Fear that she feels the same way.
Is this fear so strange? To many, maybe. To me, it makes all kind of sense.
I'm scared of love and the power it has to build up and break down. Call me weird, but I feel like I'm not meant for relationships. Things break down quickly and turn bad. I usually get really hurt, and in that pain, I say hurtful things. Things I will come to regret.
And yet in my thoughts that I am not meant for it, I run into people that I begin caring for in such a way that I desire to be with them. Am I fighting my nature or is nature fighting me? Sometimes I cannot tell.
So it's no big surprise that the past few days I have become a strange whirlpool of melancholy and happiness. I just want to close my eyes and savor the fresh feeling of the emotion, but the corruption of jaded worry seeps back in.
Tomorrow I work for one measly hour just to learn how to do something. Not enough time to get my mind off things, but long enough to get me out of the house, I suppose.
*tips hat and trods off to bed*