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musikalles

monologuing feels that don't go anywhere else

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by
musikalles
on 04-06-2012 at 03:40 AM (188 Views)
Today, someone bumped into me and brushed my hair aside. It was a classmate, inconsequentially, accidentally. I felt my hair rustle at my scalp and swish across my shoulders and I smiled. It was a reflex. Out of habit I thought someone was playing with my hair, affectionately. It was just like it. My gut reaction, out of habit, pictured his face. For two seconds that one small sensation flashed me back to what it was like to have someone who could while away an hour with you, fascinated, content to just hold you and play with your hair or trace your features with their fingertips.

I hate that I don't hate him and I hate that he is still the embodiment of all things I associate with what it feels to be loved. Because of that, being single now will never be like what it was before him. I know so many more things now that he introduced me to, I have sensory memories and vivid experiences, that he was the source of, and now that source has been taken away. Before, I didn't know what I was missing and I had nothing to miss. Now, I might spend an entire day unstable because someone bumped in to me and reminded me about what having someone that close feels like.
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  1. error345's Avatar
    error345 - 04-06-2012 11:49 PM
    In the past I've felt it's better to live ignorantly and never experience love than to have loved and lost it.
    But now I can accept nothing lasts forever, time heals in time. Now I can reminisce about the past and smile remembering all the happy, and bad memories, even though she's with someone else now. I can actually say I'm glad she's happy and mean it.
  2. Hotaru's Avatar
    Hotaru - 04-09-2012 08:22 PM
    Good for you error, it's been over 2 years since the end of my relationship and being single and I still cry, I still wish we were together even though my ex has already moved on, living with someone else, loving someone else *sighs* We lived together so every where look I remember things that were said, done.... last month I was going through some old budget logs that we kept and found an old list of people we were going to invite to our wedding. I'm never happy when i think about her...
  3. musikalles's Avatar
    musikalles - 04-11-2012 02:26 AM
    I appreciate both of your comments very much.

    Hotaru, I don't know the best way to say this, but I hope you understand the general message and good will behind it. It can be upsetting to remember the way things used to be. It's necessary to grieve loss, because after a while it helps to remove the raw hurt so we can move on.