monologuing feels that don't go anywhere else
byon 04-06-2012 at 03:40 AM (188 Views)
Today, someone bumped into me and brushed my hair aside. It was a classmate, inconsequentially, accidentally. I felt my hair rustle at my scalp and swish across my shoulders and I smiled. It was a reflex. Out of habit I thought someone was playing with my hair, affectionately. It was just like it. My gut reaction, out of habit, pictured his face. For two seconds that one small sensation flashed me back to what it was like to have someone who could while away an hour with you, fascinated, content to just hold you and play with your hair or trace your features with their fingertips.
I hate that I don't hate him and I hate that he is still the embodiment of all things I associate with what it feels to be loved. Because of that, being single now will never be like what it was before him. I know so many more things now that he introduced me to, I have sensory memories and vivid experiences, that he was the source of, and now that source has been taken away. Before, I didn't know what I was missing and I had nothing to miss. Now, I might spend an entire day unstable because someone bumped in to me and reminded me about what having someone that close feels like.