musikalles

you're streaming a movie and stops/freezes/etc. halfway through? I mean, by that time, you're obviously invested in the story but the wait for it to reload at least that much just doesn't seem worth it at 4 am... It's the 4 am bit that makes my patience shorter here.

Though I've been hanging out here it's been a while since I shared any sort of status report here. I'm over all doing okay. There are ups and downs. I haven't since crossed off any more big ticket items on my to-do list of things I mentioned, but that's alright for now. No, in the past 2 weeks enough has been happening on its own.

Out of the blue, doors I thought I'd let close from neglect have begun opening again to me. I was contacted by my old voice teacher who wants me to now sing in his adult choir. He speaks with me a little more like a peer, and gives me real life lesson-y advice from a man's perspective. Everything kind or thought-provoking or even just simple he says makes me want to cry. I have vocal solos planned out with his orchestra during Easter-related services. He asks me about what school I want to transfer to, if I have decided on a major yet. He puts pressure on me to learn to drive but has let me carpool with him. I have a play audition coming up. Basically, music and connections are knocking at my door. And I feel grateful, humbled, ashamed and terrified all at once.

My self-esteem has taken a real shot. Or maybe, several smaller shots all combined for one larger after effect. I am lethargic and I don't want to do anything or see anyone. Still getting lingering stares from my mother as she tries to determine if I'm depressed. I don't know!

And I guess the fact I'm awkwardly dancing around is that I can no longer justify being plagued by the following thoughts:

"I just wish I could talk to X about this."

"I wonder how X is doing."

"Better keep my phone on me, X might finally decide to call."

"Hey, this is X's favorite."

"You can't go out because you might be tempted to flirt, and you wouldn't do that if X were around."

"It's nice to see that couple together, and I don't feel jealous or lonely at all because I have X."

"Man my social life sucks right now. But X will just have to tell me all about what he's up to when he gets the chance."

No one's being very friendly... I'll just send X a text and pretend we're having a conversation so no one bothers me."

"You look great- X wouldn't love you if he didn't find you attractive."

And even since, how dare I let him stay in my head:

"He promised to send me a text sometime this week." That dwfhkjsdfkjasf.

My scales have been knocked out of balance is all. I'm sure it's all just culture shock from a forced change in habit. I'm a creature of habit. So I need to make some new ones to exchange for the habits that I don't get to keep anymore. I was trying for a while to make good changes, like my cleanse diet I began back in January. But I'm tired of it and I let practically everything revert back. I'm really quite drained. And everywhere I go I hear this new song on the radio with the chorus: "I don't even need your love. Now you're just somebody that I used to know."

I also admit like I always do that the limits I put on myself are the bulk of the limits I face. I'm weak, I cave, I don't want to try things anymore.

Yesterday I went out on a limb with some high school alumni 'friends' to go watch a theater competition. I spent almost the entire evening as a social third wheel. I kept getting the urge to go slap people, to cry, to call someone to pick me up and take me home. I actually thought, why am I here when I could be at home on the computer or sleeping or not being a burden to these fakes.

So I spent all of today recuperating. Tonight I got a similar spur-of-the-moment call from a different group of theater friends, ones visiting from the next town over who apparently actually MISS ME, and I turned down the invitation to hang out with them. It was stupid, I even lied and they could tell, I'm sure. I really do want to be with people who like me. But just like everything else, I sabotage myself against it. Well, now it's not Saturday night anymore... it's Sunday morning. And I'm just now able to stop churning in guilt over the whole exchange. I wish they didn't call me at all. I wish I didn't answer the phone. I say no one calls me, I say I have no friends, and then I go and shoo them away. I suck.

Gee, I really don't care for the things I choose to vent to you all here on OS. I bet it seems to you all that I've been drumming this tune for far too long and I repeat myself from post to post. I probably apologize like this every post too. But I thank you for being here. It's weird, I just feel safe in this community, I am comfortable with the persona I have made here and they way it all operates.