Paperroses

...He knew that soon, he would know nothing... my fav bit.

I just read it three times.
Babies. <3

...After all, good things come to those who wait.

Lol, thanks guys xD. Nao tell me what you think was wrong with it.

To me, the biggest hook you've got going in this story: really sweet descriptive diction, pretty much anytime or anywhere describing the scenery or stars. There is also a lot of metaphor I guess based on male protag's fancy of stars and what's he's thinking concerning the girl, is all I can figure. While I enjoy it immensely as a word nerd, it gave me little trouble in some places as an audience.

Places I imagined as pitch black were places the sky's colors and patterns reached. How? I guess I didn't understand the layout of the school. It did feel a little like this selection could have been chapter 2 or 3 in a short book and I missed out on chapter 1 that gave away the "School floor plan and window plan for dummies". In all, I ended up imagining the characters kind of floating through space a lot. That or a combination of every anime high school I've seen. Kind of odd, but that's how I did it. I guess, don't take for granted that your reader knows as much as you do about setting because I only know what you shared.

That minimalist approach, though, was really mysterious and intriguing as applied to the boy and girl. They're left kinda blank, like they could be anyone. For people, I like not being told everything all at once, because that's how real life works. However I did and do not really understand why she spent so much time looking like she was crying. I don't understand why she would go all the way to the bathroom alone and then go back for safety-in-numbers and start all over again. Though I LOVED this ingloriousness of the whole "honest confession" while in the washroom, I guess I just don't understand the means by which they both embarked on that journey. If she was concerned about lights not turning on, why are there such distracting light displays in the hall the whole way there? Or are those fireworks just in his mind?

If the story could begin perhaps five minutes before, with the girl and boy on the roof together looking up and out but not really talking, she leaves, then comes back because she's scared, you get a way to show how they normally behave around one another... when one isn't scared and in need of comfort. I guess, just when she's trying to impress him and get to know him and he has no clue. Perhaps she's wanted to excuse herself for an hour but kept putting it off to see if he'd say anything interesting in their small talk. I don't know.

Then finally, she announces to everyone else in the club that they're going out, as in dating exclusively now? But he didn't really... say he liked her back... I found it very forward for someone who's been described as timid, and just probably used all her gumption in confessing. The scenario doesn't have to change, but perhaps after all the dashing back up to the roof, the calling out her name to no reply, the poor bugger seeming so confused after playing it so cool, maybe there could be one moment of still unspoken relief or agreement from the both of them. Share a smile, share a stare... the guy can still feel "in the dark" until she takes his hand and announces again, but I didn't pick up on her getting any feedback from him that would let her think it was okay to do so, that he wouldn't be against the idea.

Seems like it's a problem that I'm hiding a lot of things from the reader, just to keep it classy. Also, holes in the plot. Unrealistic portrayal of emotions. Hmm...

I guess a couple words here and there would really help this. Would you like me to tell you what I meant to say or would you like me to send a link once I've rewritten it?

Both, if that's okay! Please both, because finished products are nice but if you wouldn't mind humoring silly little me I'd love to know what you hope to add.

naw... I'll just send a link once it's revised xb. If I told you what I meant to say, I might not learn how to say it in the story.

Meh. Okay, whatever you say mister works for me.