Pain and Prejudice
byon 01-01-2012 at 11:43 AM (292 Views)
Being left with just my own thoughts for so long has caused them to twist and darken, only to reverberate off of themselves after a time to create kaleidoscopic replications of my delusions to haunt me with - the original image of truth remains trapped behind shattered glass just beyond my reach. I want to piece together a full image of what's transpired to create a semblance of realness for my own sanity.
Is it so wrong to want honesty? Perhaps it'd be wrong to ask that of someone who's accused me of lying to them. The trouble is that I have never lied to this person. But that really isn't trouble at all though, is it? In essence, I'm beating myself up over disregarding the foreshadowing of betrayal for years. That's a terrible flaw of mine: discounting something that is crystal clear just because I don't want to believe it. It's rather callow. The pain that I feel from events brought about this way are partially my fault; if I'd heeded the warnings and put a stop to it sooner, I wouldn't be in the positions I frequently find myself in. I recognize when something doesn't seem right but doing something about it is a different story.
I'm a good person; to be accused of being anything else is ludicrous. Yes, I know I'm very dark. I have morbid thoughts shaped by the melancholic part of my personality branched from despondent portions of my past. I have to embrace that because it's a part of who I am. But I also know very well that I would never do anything to willingly hurt a person who is a part of my life. I am the go-to person for my friends and family for a reason. I'm studying to be a Social Worker because I want to help people realize that they can overcome obstacles and come out on top of what they strive to accomplish, not hinder them. What would be the point then?
To be frank, I'm appalled that I could keep such a person so close for so long. It might be because I considered this person my mentor. There's no point in re-establishing our friendship; that bridge has burned. For them to yield such hostility towards me for seemingly no apparent reason proves how prejudiced against me they are. I've no need for a person like that in my life.
However... knowledge of their "reasoning" behind their accusations would assist me in piecing everything together so I can gain closure and carry on. But like an unkempt jigsaw puzzle, I'm missing a handful of pieces - this time though, they're locked within the mind of another and I've no way of attaining them.