4 E-Cycles / Comment and Review

[Bindu1000]

yoroshiku onegaishimasu...

[jadeliciousdk]

Okay, so far I have read the epilogue and chapter 1 I will add more comments as I get through the rest..

Overall im quite impressed, so far the story seems good, but I'll wait to pass my final verdict untill I have read some more ^^

The language is varied and vivid. You are good at describing details without slowing the pace down too much, you are really painting some pictures with your high attention for the details :).
As to the grammatics there are some mistakes, but nothing too distacting from the reading and seeing as English is not your primary language im quite impressed. When you write that much there are simply bound to be some incorrect gramma.

A few things that I would have liked; you have created your own universe with a lot of specifics... I could have used some explaining, what is Planethums, fynthesizers and other similar self-invented concepts some of them got explained futher into the story, but that sort of unfamiliar concepts can throw you a bit off track if not explained properly.
I would also like a more detailed describtion of Jarred, but im guessing more will be revealed in the later chapers.

I'll keep posting comments as I read more, but so far i'm liking it

[Bindu1000]

WOW!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! Even if the review had been bad (although its not) - thanks for reading it at all :1:

Yes, the grammar needs editing and the rest of the words / universe will get explained as the story progresses, along with more descriptions of the places and the people ...

Thanks again for taking the time to read ...

[jadeliciousdk]

No need to thank me :) Considering how much time you have spent on writing it, reading it is the least I could do.

I've finished the what you have posted so far and must say that I'm pleased,
you found a good and natural way to explain the concepts that you invented for the universe.
The story is progressing nicely without being rushed or too slow.


I have to comment on the more "explicit" part :54:
Well to be fair you have only made some pointers of what we might expect later in the story.
It is totally your call if you want to include that kind of scenes in your story: Personally I don't mind it, even though I might blush ^^ However you must be careful, if you decide to write such a scene you must walk the very narrow line. If you go over the top and it becomes too grafic you risk alienating some readers especially the younger audience. In other words you'll be better off leaving some of it to our imaginations.
On the other hand, if you manage to do it in a classy way it can add to the story's believability and possibly be very romanctic.

I just wanted to give you a warning in advance, since this is a pitfall I know many, especially new, writers fall in. Please don't take offense :)

My verdict for now is; that I really like the story, the characters and their actions are very genuine and I like the high attention for details.

Looking forward to reading more because it is a good story and I really want to know what happen next :smile:

By the way I apolegize if I'm being too frank when I have comments on things, it isn't meant as critizism... but rather an acknowledgement, since the short story/novel (whatever it turns out to be) is already of such a high quality I think that an honest opinion is for the best... so be warned goes off track I will tell you muhahaha :emhh24:

[Bindu1000]

Again - many thanks for your comments and no, I definitely wont take offence. I have always preferred the direct approach to everything in life and the same goes for comments on my writing

So pls ... if you find me going off the beaten path, pls do take a baseball bat to me :4:

[DoubleZeta]

I would like to give a comment. Please don't be offended or something, but it's just for constructive criticism of sort.

First, the grammar is good but there are some places that would rather get the reader lost. I understand that some would be explained through the course of the story, but at least some little impression for the reader about what it was. (just to have them have their own visualization of it. Let's say... something for them to think of until you release the descriptions).

I know I don't have the right, but I would like a little more extended information on the characters.

Second, It was harsh for me... the sudden boom in chapter count. I've just started reading the story last Wednesday. I haven't started reading it when it first came out and so I'm quite... pressured. (It would be hard for people who just started to read the story. Seeing that they are pretty long chapters and have already piled up a number in front of them. Some people would just lose interest in reading.) It is true, people lose interest so fast but not all of them.

Third, the story shapes out to be great. I can praise you for this since it's the most viewed and read story here on the fanfic/stories section and I read it too.

Fourth, the story quite touches me. Some feeling that gives the impression on slavery lingers in me. The emotions are strong... I'm probably lost in pity and anger. Writers can express their feelings in their stories and I can say that you have given a great share of it on the story. (I'm quite teary eyed just a bit now...)

Fifth, I can't possibly argue anymore. This is human nature, seems much realistic and not that much as if I'm just listening to the radio. The nearly everything is great.

I hope these things can help improve your story. A little more push and it can be called a master piece... sad to say that there aren't much readers. Thanks again if you read this review/comment of mine. (I think I've spent quite some time writing this comment.) XD

[bonki]

I really like your story. The emotions brought out are very clear and I feel like I am part of it. My only concern after reading your latest chapter added last week is that it seems to be a pure love story.
While I dont mind a love story, it would be good if you add some kind of add story, like a mystery or some dangerous situation. It would then make it interesting to guys as well as girls ... haha

Anyway - keep it up and waiting for the next installment