Miguel Klein: Comments and Reviews

[Shinkirou]

Alright, please post your comments, reviews and criticisms here.

Although... I already have the other verse of Migue Klein ready, I'd read your comments and will try to improve the drafts.

Thanks, guys!

[DoubleZeta]

Okay, it would be my first comment for the fanfic/stories section. I couldn't possibly lay down and watch a story to die or have the writer feel that his story isn't read at all.

First of all, we can say that it is quite short and leads the readers in question for the next thing to happen. I can understand that, no one would really want to read something so long.

Second, I praise you for your extreme attention to details. You had at least 9 lines just for the description of his clothes and appearance.

Third, I think it's not that nice to have that thing about "his days being numbered" revealed so early in the story. It already states that he is in peril at the beginning already, but I can't possibly argue. Some stories start with the conflict and would continue with pure conflict.

That is all for now.

[solidoxygen]

Oh, it's very interesting how you're presenting the events. Except for the very good imagery/descriptions. Your writing bears a little resemblance to Hemingway's style (author of The Old Man and The Sea).

The events seem slightly unconnected. Some transitions should be made between events so that the story doesn't feel like a film with sections cut out of it. Through the use of more fluid transitions, the story can be more understandable as well as improving the overall flow of your events.
Some sentence structure is also recommended so that the story can be more coherent (is English not your first language?).

Another suggestion (though it might not fit your style of writing) is to create a setting. While we can tell it's in a city, and the tone is relatively somber, so far it is relatively bland and unappealing. Even a brief statement of the color of the sky, the brooding thoughts around him, or even a description of the cold, hard colors of the buildings around him can greatly improve the overall feel and depth of the story.

I hope you take my criticism in good stride, and I look forward to reading more!

[Shinkirou]

Wow. Awesome comments, and criticisms. Thanks people!

Hehe, just like what I did to you, huh, Zeta('cept that I didn't read your story, just supported it... lol). On that comment about 9 lines description - Arjo actually hated my stories for that...Haha. I'm a little repetitive in conflict telling, huh? About that end - The professor merely said "open your eyes" and the man, "days are numbered". It is mentioned in effect to the story, I don't think it's repetitive.

I see you're a wide reader, oxygen-san. Not only that, you've supported me and the other writers just as well!
...I'm not a reader myself... *chuckle*
I've thought of that before. It seems like... Something is off. And it is those transitions!
My primary language is Filipino and English... Seems like I didn't paid attention to sentence structure.

I think instead of releasing the next chapter, I'll rewrite it. Don't know if I'll be able to improve too much, but I'll try. :)

Btw, I am a very lazy guy so it might take a while before I can write again... woot.

[jadeliciousdk]

Now I read it too :P Because Solidoxygen said it was Hemmingwayish ^^ I'm a great fan of his works and way of writing...

I can actually see what Solidoygen refers to, the descriptions and the at times alternative building of phrases.. it is an interesting way of writing, wether used intentional to bring out certain details or it just happens to be your natural writing style.

The story is very fast pased it seems, personally I would have liked a bit more introduction before you took the story to it's second stage. However it might work out well depending on what happens in the second chapter.

As too the gramatics; you have some issues with picking the right form of words, I noticed you jumping a bit between using present and past language.
Also some phrasings that you use are incorrect.
It is no big deal and as English isn't your first language some flaws are to be expected. Just pay attention to the"time" as it can be disrupting to the flow of reading if the story jumps a lot between past and present language.

But it seems like the story could have some potential and I like your way of writing.. So please post the next chapter once your are satisfied with it :)

[Shinkirou]

I'm currently filled with too many distractions and school's going to resume very soon. ._.

Still this is flattering. XD