Reviews/Comments for Forlorn Skies

[DoubleZeta]

Here's the thread for comments and reviews. I really hope you guys would like story.

[solidoxygen]

Segment 1
Overall, I just think you should present story details slightly less rushed and more explained. It's off to an high potential, though slightly confusing start.
- It seems like you already have a good arrangement of characters already. That's nice but perhaps you should describe them with more than just a statement of the color of their hair or eyes. If you're going to do a direct characterization, don't neglect it. Instead, try to portray them in the reader's mind exactly how you imagine them to look. Red eyes certainly doesn't give much of an image of what your character looks like. It's would be like a movie with nothing but Extreme Close-up type footage.
- From all the complicated terminology and names you used at the beginning, I think you already have a lot in mind! This can be a pretty big problem though if you don't explain things too well. You might understand what they are saying, but to a casual reader, terms like "Ymirians", "Archnadius", and "vendrasyl" may be confusing and may confuse readers. I trust that you will have everything explained all in due time, but don't present too much at a time.

Segment 2
I can feel that it is a very busy and rushed morning, this aspect is very well portrayed. Here are a few observations though:
- thick skull and thick head in the same paragraph sounds a bit repetitive.
- I'm itching to correct some sentence errors by abusing my moderator ppowers, but I won't do it since it's your story :)
- Once again, story is moving along well, you've used foreshadow relatively appropriately which shifts the tone in a good dramatic way. Perhaps explaining the relationship of these siblings more clearly would help the overall comprehension/composition.

Segment 3
You've left is at a mild cliffhanger I see. I shall anticipate the arrival of more segments as well be slightly less critical. Don't let anyone put you down!

Nice story so far with excellent potential.

[DoubleZeta]

Thanks... at last someone has commented on it. I have the explanations ready on the other segments.

It's part of me living cliff hangers... sorry for the rushed explanations and character portrayals so far...

About the grammar errors, I can give permission to edit it. If you would think it's best. I seem to have problems when writing stories late at night... so please forgive the grammar errors. XD

[solidoxygen]

Ahaha, Hei201 is the Moderator of this section so I'm not supposed to mess around here :D Solidoxygen is a comments mod, I mainly make sure video comments are spoil/flame free; I do that and some other things.

It's your story, an editor cannot make changes without telling the writer exactly what he wants to change.

[DoubleZeta]

Has it really been 2 years since then? Oh well the story was halfway around when I forgot to continue writing due to studies... XD

But I wish to post the other parts now, if it is still allowed. I have some 8 or so chapters to post, all of which are 3 or 4 segments each so that goes for about 24 or 32 posts all in all. XD

[YanoStifler]

Post it ^^
I'll try to read it, teehee.
let's make our section alive! though there's really a small number of the members here in OS 'actually' reads.
^_______^
just post it for your peace of mind, just like what I'm doing with my Picture Perfect

[DoubleZeta]

Thank you for your kind words Yano! I would like to help with all that I can to make this section alive. I'd be posting them sooner, in gratitude for your reading of my story I would in turn read yours and give some comments and anything that I think is fit to be said. Once again, thank you! Your motivation is highly appreciated! :))

[YanoStifler]

teehee, NP.
mine got a thousand of views, though I didn't had many comments or whatsoever.
That's why I doubt at first, but now.
I guess I just have to finish the story no matter what happens, the feeling is cooler that way.
(I even exaggerated and made a sequel of Picture Perfect accidentally) haha.
I'll post that too.
^^.

I love this section though it gets silent at times. we just have to break the ice once in a while I guess :)