LouNa
01-08-2012, 09:53 AM
heck wasn't it nice?...
nice job describing the feelings of pain, desperation, hoplessness and redemption - in the end- the victim felt...
since it's the "memories" of someone right before, while, and a short time after dying i think it would be nice to make it little bit more evident by giving off some hints in the beginning of your story..something along the lines of " i hadn't really bothered myself about thinking how it would feel to die until it actually happened.."
the references to "a room full of hatred", the "everyone hates me don't they" ,the tape recorder in the hands of the killer and the sense of guilt by him in the image of tears right before the "act", help add a little mystery to your otherwise "tragic" story of yours. it means there's some background and everyone just makes guesses as to what might have happened here, a fact that makes your story interesting ;)
though, in my opinion, especially the tape-recorder thing needs some further elaboration..why the heck would the killer hold onto a tape-recorder? xD
you have some minor linguistic errors but the overall effect is quite pleasant ^^
...and a general advice for your future writings...change the tense..i mean istead of "i took a step" --> "i take a step" makes everything much more vivid and the effect of the sensations you want to create and pass through to the reader becomes much more direct..
nice job describing the feelings of pain, desperation, hoplessness and redemption - in the end- the victim felt...
since it's the "memories" of someone right before, while, and a short time after dying i think it would be nice to make it little bit more evident by giving off some hints in the beginning of your story..something along the lines of " i hadn't really bothered myself about thinking how it would feel to die until it actually happened.."
the references to "a room full of hatred", the "everyone hates me don't they" ,the tape recorder in the hands of the killer and the sense of guilt by him in the image of tears right before the "act", help add a little mystery to your otherwise "tragic" story of yours. it means there's some background and everyone just makes guesses as to what might have happened here, a fact that makes your story interesting ;)
though, in my opinion, especially the tape-recorder thing needs some further elaboration..why the heck would the killer hold onto a tape-recorder? xD
you have some minor linguistic errors but the overall effect is quite pleasant ^^
...and a general advice for your future writings...change the tense..i mean istead of "i took a step" --> "i take a step" makes everything much more vivid and the effect of the sensations you want to create and pass through to the reader becomes much more direct..