The Garden of Life : Review/Comments

[Qualtz]

Original Story
The Garden of Life (http://otaku-streamers.com/community/showthread.php?10744-The-Garden-of-Life)

[Reizero]

hxc critique:

Make sure that the tenses agree throughout the story:
ex. "The policemen are busy wrapping..." should match the tense in "the ambulance just began loading the victim." So in other words, replace 'are' with 'were' or 'began' with 'begin' and so on to keep the tenses consistent.

Rewording some sentences to make the sentences flow would make it much easier to read:
ex. "'Excuse me... coming through...' a curious one made her way through the crowd just to know what the commotion was about 'umm... so what happened here?' she asked" could be revised into "Excuse me... coming through...." A curious one made her war through the crowd, wondering about the commotion. "Um... so what happened here?" she asked."

A transition from the phone call of the girl with her little sister to the last paragraph would be helpful for the reader to better understand what is going on.

/end critique

Comments:
omg, now i want to know what's going to happen next! good thing that it's chapter 1, so there has to be a next chapter. nice idea, captivating introduction, interesting plot twist... gah, when will chapter 2 be posted?
keep up the good work! you have my full support!

[Qualtz]

I need to be more imaginative then Q.Q

and i'm making a chapter 2 after 13-14 hours. I can't write and study at the same time.

[Reizero]

haha don't take my comment negatively.
can't wait to read the next chapter!

[mlcdl]

Your being too excited. Though Im interested as well on this one but this one is too short perhaps

[Reizero]

-__- i'm being too excited? what's wrong with being interested and supportive

[FiQ5149]

I..I..can see how it goes~/gg

well that based on my assumption on your personality...

accident..hospital..police..i think it's going to be a tragic story

i'm interested on the twist in your story~

[Enma Ai]

"...I wish it was me, not my little sister."
i don't get this part
the victim is the big sister right?

[Qualtz]

The accident was totally unrelated to those sisters.

[benito18]

is that an anime?

[LouNa]

I've just read your story..and o.0 wow...just..wow..I mean you're very good!!

besides the minor mistakes that reizero already pointed out, you seem to take your time with both the development of the story and that of the characters which adds more to the suspense..your story so far surely has potential and the little bits and pieces of your m/c's background that are spread throughtout the first two chapter are enough to make me want more! Also I have to say your choice of naming your chapters out of flowers is simply genius and I'm quite intrigued as to how the plant-and-flower theme relates to the story you're narrating..


"...I wish it was me, not my little sister."
i don't get this part
the victim is the big sister right?

Heather is apparently in the hospital for some reason we still don't know but can only guess. That's why she's talking about her older sister visiting her, and in the 2nd chapter the perspective changes from the older sister to the younger one..I think the older sister's "wish" has to do with thinking it's unfair Heather is the one in the hospital instead of her..

well, that's all from me..keep it up and please do continue writing your story ;)